Schocks and Sham(e)s

Schock and Awwww: Politico’s lede on a recent follow-up to the story of the disgraced and definitely not gay — no, no, anything but gay! — Congressmember Aaron Schock says it all: “Dateline: Springfield, Ill. — The Paul Findley Federal Building and Courthouse here might as well have been the site of an Aaron Schock staff meeting on Tuesday.”

That’s because so many of Schock’s former staffers were on the scene testifying in a necessarily closed-to-the-public federal grand jury investigation into the allegedly corrupt, allegedly straight dirtbag’s use of taxpayer money to fund his tacky, too-hideous-to be-gay office decoration and phony travel reimbursements. In addition to the ordinary staff members scheduled to testify (Schock’s former chief of staff, his former district office manager…), his photographer, Jonathon Link, is on the list of prospective witnesses.

Media Circus

Why did a congressmember from Peoria (Peoria!) need to have a photographer on staff, you may well ask? To accompany him to India in order to provide the necessary Instagram coverage, of course!

Wait, no…. Link wasn’t on the payroll at the time. The two men traveled to the exotic subcontinent together in August 2014, before Schock officially hired the blond, swimmer’s-bodied Link as his employee, as was required by one of the many laws Schock allegedly broke while serving in Congress. In a nod to propriety, Schock flew first class but stuck Link in steerage. To be fair to Schock, I must add that at no time has the unmarried could-be felon been accused of having illicit heterosexual relations with even one woman.

Straight In From the Loony Bin: Father John Zuhlsdorf, writing on the website LifeSiteNews, offers some inspired advice to Christians who might be forced to deal with some of the multitudes of “gay fascists” who are roaming about these days preying on the pious: “When some homosexual couple comes to your Christian business for services at their immoral event, don’t panic. Go ahead and take their business! Then explain what is going to happen next. Tell them that the food and services will be just fine. And then inform them that all of the money that they pay for the services will be donated to a traditional pro-family lobby. If it is something like catering, where your employees have to be there to provide services, tell them that all your people will smile, be professional, and every one of them will be wearing crucifixes and have the Holy Family embroidered on their uniforms. Then show them pictures of your uniforms. When the truck pulls up, speakers will be playing Immaculate Mary. Show them the truck and play the music.”

Great idea, Father! It sounds like campy fun! Have your folks spend lots of money ordering uniforms with embroidered Holy Families on them! (None of that machine embroidery crap, either — it’s all got to be done by hand by elderly nuns in Slovakia.) Then they’ll have to buy trucks and speakers! Show those gay fascists you mean business!

One question: you write that the speakers will be blasting Immaculate Mary. I’m not familiar with that artist. I take it she does Madonna covers.

Stop Bogarting, Tony: Here’s Jay Michaelson on the Daily Beast, writing about the perennial putz Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, his call for a three-week fast meant to convince the Almighty to steer the Supreme Court away from ruling in favor of same-sex marriage, and the less-than-likelihood of the fast’s success.

Michaelson points out that fasting can produce a trippy effect on the brain: “As part of that hallucinatory experience, people fasting for extended periods can have the sense that they are actually accomplishing something, just like a stoner feels like he can float those potato chips across the room through telepathy.”

What’s next on Perkins’ crackpot agenda — sacrificing lambs on the Court’s steps?

While African-American Men Are Being Routinely Shot or Choked to Death in This Country…: “A lawyer named Matt McLaughlin filed a ballot initiative with the California Department of Justice in February to enact the ‘Sodomite Suppression Act,’ which calls for the killing of anyone who engages in sodomy…,” the Huffington Post reports. “‘Seeing that it is better that offenders should die rather than that all of us should be killed by God's just wrath against us for the folly of tolerating-wickedness in our midst, the People of California wisely command, in the fear of God, that any person who willingly touches another person of the same gender for purposes of sexual gratification be put to death by bullets to the head or by any other convenient method,’ McLaughlin wrote. Now, other Californians are responding with some new ballot initiatives of their own — like the ‘Shellfish Suppression Act’ and the ‘Intolerant Jackass Act.’ Joe Decker of San Jose proposed the legislation against shellfish, writing: ‘Shellfish are a monstrous evil that Almighty God, giver of freedom and liberty, commands us in Leviticus to suppress. They also smell bad.’ Leviticus calls the consumption of ‘all that have not fins and scales in the seas’ an abomination. Those who consume or sell shellfish, Decker wrote, should be subject to a $666,000 fine or a prison term of six years, six months and six days….

“The Intolerant Jackass Act by Charlotte Laws of Woodland Hills calls for anti-gay individuals to attend sensitivity training and donate $5,000 to an LGBT organization. The back and forth is possible because California allows residents to pay $200 to submit initiatives that could be added to the ballot, provided the initiative gets signatures from 5 percent of the state's populace.”

I can’t breathe.

Follow @EdSikov on Twitter.