United States President and Chief Executive Officer George W. Bush today called a last-minute press conference to announce that he has a psychological condition known by the medical establishment as “Antisocial Personality Disorder,” or APD.
“Say it loud, I’m psycho and I’m proud!” declared the president, punching the air ebulliently with his fist.
Mr. Bush was apparently referring to the terms “psychopath” or “sociopath,” which, according to the Mayo Clinic, are used interchangeably to describe an individual, often with a history of substance abuse, who habitually lies, shows a lack of concern for societal ethics and laws and repeatedly violates the rights of others.
“Yep, that’s me,” declared the president. “I mean, look at the record. I’ve pissed on nuclear arms and environmental treaties, detained innocent Muslims, filled the media with factual distortions that led to my war on Iraq where I’m killing and torturing over 100,000 people, and I refuse accountability at the International Criminal Court. Lest we forget, I’ve got the support of good Americans who are losing their homes and kids and jobs because of my policies, and I’m in a real good mood. Did I mention that APD also means never having to say you’re sorry?”
In an unusual display of gratitude, however, Mr. Bush went on say that he was able to “come out” as having APD because of the earlier example set by homosexuals in openly proclaiming an identity traditionally shunned by mainstream society.
“These poor, oppressed people have struggled so long and hard for dignity. I’d like to thank them by ramming through a constitutional amendment denying them the right to marry,” said Mr. Bush. “Why? Because I am a sociopath and I have sociopathic pride.”
The president said that his next step—also inspired by the gay community—would be to pressure the American Psychological Association to retract its finding that APD is a disease. “I have no problem linking them with Al Qaeda, if they refuse,” he added.
In response to reporters’ questions, Mr. Bush said he wasn’t sure if he was “that way” because of a traumatic event in his childhood or because of some enlarged gland somewhere; he only knew, from an early age, that he was “different” from other children. As a boy, Mr. Bush said, adults tried to force him to hold “normal” values and demanded that he feel shame for activities such as blowing up live frogs with firecrackers.
“My dad kept wanting me to be ‘kinder’ and ‘gentler,’ but I just wasn’t having it,” Mr. Bush said.
While other boys were attracted to heroes such as Superman and Whitey Ford, little George W. saw the movie “Psycho” 27 times and kept a picture of Norman Bates under his mattress. Coming of age, Mr. Bush continually evaded academic and military responsibilities, developing serious drug and alcohol problems, all the while trying to pass as a “compassionate” conservative. And, like many doubt-ravaged homosexuals, he turned to the church, which helped, but not completely.
“I wasn’t comfortable being called sadistic or drunk or born-again—or even a sadistic, drunk, born-again shill for corporate capital,” remembered the president. “I knew, deep down, that wasn’t me. Then, one day, when I was Texas governor and happened to be making fun in front of some TV cameras of Karla Faye Tucker, a woman on death row who was pleading for her life, I overheard a lawyer say, ‘Jesus, what a psychopath.’ Well sir, I went home and looked the word up. Sure enough, that was me. From then on, I knew it was OK to take over the world.”
The president explained that God had helped him choose this moment to announce his psychopathic “orientation” because of the current trends toward privatization, as promoted by the Book of Genesis.
“The Bible says ‘Thou shalt have dominion over all things on this earth.’ Now, by ‘thou’ God obviously meant ‘George,’ and by ‘dominion,’ God obviously meant ‘American democracy’—as I tried to tell Vladimir Putin the other day.”
The president seemed momentarily thrown by a question from a reporter at the left-of-center publication The New Yorker, who asked if Mr. Bush intended to “out” several other psychopathic members of his administration. The president recovered himself quickly, however, and replied that he did not believe in creating an atmosphere of suspicion.
“We are everywhere,” stated Pres. Bush with visionary gusto. “It’s not just Dick Cheney or Don Rumsfeld or Condi Rice or Alberto Gonzales. Americans the world over are proudly turning a blind eye to the suffering of their fellow beings. Remember, it’s all about YOU. If somebody gets in YOUR way, run them down. If somebody has something YOU want, take it. Let’s build a country that openly accepts, yea celebrates, psychopathic behavior. We Americans should have APD consciousness raising groups, pride marches, hotlines, barbecues. Heck, let’s all get together and embrace the banality of our evil.”
After a brief scuffle at the back of the room, the New Yorker journalist was escorted out of the building and flown directly to an undisclosed location in Egypt where, anonymous White House sources said, the “Q and A” process was to continue.
My thanks to psychologist Bill Thompson in Ann Arbor, Michigan, for his professional assessment of our president’s mental health.