A detailed forensic examination of the scene of a fatal shooting has revealed that the bullet that killed a 19-year-old African American youth on a Brooklyn rooftop actually came from the service revolver of U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
“I was cleaning my gun in Iraq, and it went off in Brooklyn,” explained Rumsfeld. “What an unfortunate accident.”
Such unfortunate accidents may, in fact, be playing an increasing role in government policy. According to well-placed sources, the Pentagon has been working on a top-secret weapons program in which armaments used to fight repression in foreign countries can, through satellite hook-up, simultaneously be deployed to keep order in the United States.
“Over and over, we noticed the similarities between our soldiers in Iraq and beat cops here at home,” said Department of Defense spokesman, Ordnance J. Pitbull. “Both police officers and troops are stationed in regions foreign to their background, culture, and usually to their race. Both wear snazzy uniforms and carry loaded weapons that set them apart as peacekeepers. Yet they are often beset by ungrateful, dark-skinned suspects who are intent on going about their business in a threatening manner.”
According to Pitbull, the new weapons program is designed to operate largely by accident. Whether it be an African American man in the Bronx reaching for his wallet or an Iraqi woman presumed to carry a grenade under her chador, the dual-purpose system would save time and resources by “accidentally” subduing two or more suspects, at home and abroad, with the same maneuver, thus cutting down considerably on military spending.
“Shooting unarmed poor people is what made this country great,” observed the vice president, who asked that his name not be used. “By mistakenly eradicating random individuals, we keep troublesome populations at bay, while preserving our image as good guys. This new weapons system allows us to make the whole thing more efficient. We’re calling them ‘embedded accidents.’”
The program, however, is still in its test phase, with some remaining “bugs” to be worked out.
“I can’t believe nobody told Rumsfeld to take the bullets out of his gun before he cleaned it,” Pitbull remarked. “The NRA is going to have our butts for this.”
Although no one knows the exact number of Iraqi citizens inadvertently wounded or killed while attempting to live ordinary lives, the United States, being a civilized country, keeps careful records of such occurrences. Timothy Stansbury Jr., for instance, was shot to death on a rooftop in Bedford-Stuyvesant in the early hours of January 24 by a uniformed policeman, when, attempting to return to a party in an adjacent building, Stansbury opened the roof door of his building in a manner suggesting that he was Osama bin Laden.
Response to the Stansbury shooting has been mixed. Some neighbors expressed the despairing view that random shootings were to be expected from the police, while others were clearly angry.
“This is an outrage,” shouted Sal Plankton, president of Cops for Nonviolent Police Shootings. “The United States has a mandate to kill foreigners, not its own citizens! And for good reason—neighborhoods teeming with Latinos and African Americans have never been known to possess very much oil.”
City officials have been quick to reassure the public of their concern. Hours after the incident, the New York City police commissioner expressed regret, but advised a wait-and-see attitude, pending a more thorough investigation.
“The kid made a tragic mistake,” noted the commissioner. “Like so many Iraqis before him, he forgot he was living in an occupied zone.”
The mayor apologized and thanked the murdered youth’s community for not exacting revenge by driving munitions-laden vehicles at top speed into New York City landmarks.
“Let’s remember New York is a vibrant and diverse tourist mecca,” exhorted the Mayor. “Why, whenever Condoleeza Rice stays at the Grand Hyatt, she is invited to go up on the roof any time she wants.”
Communities outside Bed-Stuy seem comparatively unconcerned.
“If this had happened on the roof of the Gay and Lesbian Center,” observed Mo Foreskin, obligatory gay spokesperson justifying the placement of this article in a gay newspaper, “there would have been demonstrations in the streets for days. Queers wouldn’t let this city rest until that cop had been charged with murder and there was all kinds of restitution. But it didn’t, ergo we have nothing to say about it.”
Since the parents of the slain youth have been difficult to contact, an Iraqi man who recently lost his son to indiscriminate U.S. gunfire was flown in to comment.
“Every day, I feel it is I who have been shot,” said Faisal Ahmed, 48, of East Baghdad. “Every day, a fresh wound. A human being was killed for no reason. A human being with his entire life before him. What is wrong with this country? There is something in the back of that policeman’s—of that soldier’s—mind for which you are all guilty.”
Mr. Ahmed was immediately taken to the local Homeland Security office for further questioning.