News From the Back of the Front

Post-9/11 Science: Americans Are World’s Only Humans

Just in time for the fifth anniversary of the World Trade Center disaster, scientists have discovered that United States citizens — alone out of every other people on planet Earth — possess qualities identifying them as homo sapiens.

The finding was announced today at the Center for Global Disaster, a Washington-based conservative think tank. Dr. Richard Shrapnel, head of the Center, termed the finding a paradigm shift. “I’d bet my opposable thumbs on it,” he stated.

Called a “real morale booster,” this discovery is seen as one of the few victories to be snatched from the jaws of massive foreign policy defeat. “Our research funding was cut, due to mounting military expenditures,” Shrapnel explained, “so we at the CGD were reduced to watching hours of TV war news and reading the tabloids. Again and again, we saw Americans embodying nobility, reason, self-actualization traits that we think of as human. Conversely, non-Americans — Iraqis, Lebanese, Palestinians, for example — appeared not to have these qualities. We were stumped. Then, one day, we looked at each other and realized we held the key to Western Civilization—United States citizens are human beings! All the other nationalities are just people wannabes!”

Researchers immediately set out to test their hypothesis by interviewing typical Americans on the street.

“For cryin’ out loud,” exclaimed Marine Sy Plunderton, on leave and visiting Ground Zero. “I spent two years in Iraq — any moron knows people there aren’t human. You can tell because when they die, we don’t care. What more proof you want? Hey, you think I should get this framed wiggle-picture of the Statue of Liberty? Look, she’s crying.

Christina Detritus, retired grammar school teacher, held a similar position. “What with the anniversary of the World Trade catastrophe coming up, it’s been very hard for me to watch the news about those selfish Middle Easterners. I know we’re all equal in the sight of God, but I don’t think God wants to include foreigners. I mean, what do all those Lebanese, Afghanis, Israelis, Palestinians, and Iraqis who can’t stop dying have to do with 3,000 actual human Americans who tragically passed away five years ago? Please, please — won’t somebody think of the Americans?”

Scholars predict this breakthrough, besides inspiring T-shirts for the 9/11 Commemoration, will transform major academic disciplines, particularly the field of anthropology.

“It could reconfigure the concept of evolution, itself,” surmised Dr. Joan Bloodloss, senior fellow at The American Homunculus Foundation. “Although we still believe our species began in Africa, we are now beginning to see that those individuals who migrated north and westward — particularly across the Atlantic Ocean — developed more advanced traits as they went, until they reached the North American continent, just below Canada and above Mexico, where, around the year 1776, they became fully human.

“Those who migrated in other directions,” continued Bloodloss, “have remained essentially bipedal primates. You’ll see this pattern all across Europe — except for the French who are, of course, rapidly devolving. Arabs? I’m not even sure if they’re primates. We won’t really know until we can bomb more of them.”

Psychiatry is also expected to undergo major changes in the wake of this study. Although psychotherapists continue to view their chief goal as encouraging healthy self-concepts in their patients, most now conclude that a healthy self-concept for an American patient appears to be an advanced state of megalomania.

Dr. Siegfried Schadenfreude, author of “I’m OK, You’re in a Detention Camp,” observed, “The balanced, functional American sincerely believes that he or she alone matters, and is imbued with godlike powers over life on this planet. If you’re merely self-centered or narcissistic, you’re not going to make it in this world.”

President George W. Bush, in celebration of his godlike powers over life on this planet, is scheduled to speak on September 11 at the World Trade Center Commemoration. There, to a battle-fatigued and shell-shocked world, Bush intends to proclaim his humanity.

Mel Gibson Hurls Anti-Semitic Slurs At Jesus

Actor Mel Gibson, apparently distraught upon discovering that his hero and savior Jesus Christ was Jewish, was arrested again last night on charges of drunkenness, as he drove his car head-on into a large statue of Jesus that adorned the Church of the Immaculate Bris, on Pasadena Boulevard.

“Take that, Jew-Boy,” Gibson was heard to scream, as he repeatedly backed his car over the white plaster shards that covered several square feet of lawn.

Gibson, Traditionalist Catholic and director of the film “The Passion of the Christ,” was taken into custody shouting, “Oh, Lord, why hast thou forsaken me? Thy only begotten Son — one of those money-grubbing latke peddlers who dominate the motion picture industry!”

It remains unclear as to why Gibson took this long to discover Jesus’ ethnicity, a fact that has been widely known for millennia. Anonymous sources speculate that he may have been informed while apologizing to leaders of the Jewish community for his previous anti-Semitic outbursts, including the accusation that “Jews are responsible for all the world’s wars.”

Released on bond today, a sober Mel Gibson again apologized to the public and admitted that he needed to “rethink my whole life.” Part of that process, according to studio insiders, will involve production of a film entitled “The Passion of the Nuclear Bunker-Buster B61-11,” coming soon to theaters in or near Iran.

At press time, reporters were unable to determine if Jesus had accepted Gibson’s apology.