All the News That’s Left to Print

In case you haven’t the proper authentication codes, these are the latest stories from the PU wire service:

Jews Exonerated!

Mel Gibson Admits He Killed Christ

Actor Mel Gibson, Traditionalist Catholic and director of the soon to be released film “The Passion of Christ,” was arraigned today and pled guilty to one count of felony murder in the millennia-old crucifixion case of a peripatetic Middle Eastern rabbi, commonly known as Jesus.

Gibson’s film has been widely condemned for its depiction of Jews as smarmy, rapacious Christ-killers.

“I had originally planned to blame the whole thing on some anonymous black guy,” admitted Gibson, “but that’s been done to death. So I decided to make a movie chock full of forensic evidence that Jesus’ own people did him in. You got to give me credit, right? I mean, hell, nobody’s ever thought of that.”

“We finally nailed him,” declared Robert Mueller, FBI director. “This proves, when it comes to bringing the perpetrators of heinous crimes to justice, that the Federal Bureau of Investigation can’t lose them all.”

Law enforcement officials describe this as a typical “messiah-murder,” in which the killer, at first a rapt follower of a given spiritual personage, later becomes skeptical, and demands physical proof that the personage is indeed a representative of God.

“I began to see the loaves, the fishes, the water-walking stuff as gimmicky—pure Spielberg,” confessed Gibson. “So I set up this sting operation. I said, ‘OK, Gospel-boy, you people think you’re so hot with the special effects? Let’s see you get out of this.’ Three days later, the dude emerges from the tomb. Was my face red.”

“He might have gotten away with it, too,” observed Mueller, “if he’d tried to make it look like Al Qaeda killed Jesus. Take him away, boys.”

Gibson faces a prison sentence of life everlasting.

Commie Fags “Come Out” As All American

In a desperate, post-9/11 effort to bond with mainstream America, a loose-knit group of homosexuals and sex-role malcontents known historically as “Commie Fags” has decided to change its name to the “Free Market Fags” (FMF).

Brandishing stock portfolios and jingling Lexus ignition keys, several hundred FMFs and their supporters stood today on the steps of the Justice Department, as they cheered their newly elected president, Clyde Lichtenloafer, who opened the organization’s first press conference.

“We’re tired of being communist shills,” declared Lichtenloafer. “We want to be capitalist shills! We demand to be seen as a typical American identity group—with no concern for anyone’s rights but our own. Especially the rights of Muslims and Arabs—those Commie Fags!”

The term “Commie Fag” has, over the years, come to denote a person of deeply treacherous and un-American character. It first became part of the U.S. vernacular in the late 1940s, when Senator Joseph McCarthy and the House Un-American Activities Committee launched a relentless campaign against communists and leftist sympathizers in every branch of government and civilian life. Homosexuals, seen as easy spy recruits, were, according to Senate investigators, “traitorous” by their very nature, and “sexual perversion” became grounds for firing anyone working for the federal government. State and local governments followed suit, often requiring employees to sign loyalty oaths that affirmed their “moral purity.” In addition to loss of jobs, homosexuals, in ensuing decades, have also endured beatings, societal ignominy, and the loss of their homes and children.

“And, after all those years of harassment and degradation,” continued Lichtenloafer, “I am happy to report that the gay community has learned absolutely NOTHING! That is why we, as queer Americans, pledge to remain silent during this new McCarthy Era. We will continue not lifting a finger as 13,799 Muslims, Arabs, and South Asians in America face deportation and 2,870 more are held behind bars for little or no reason. Now, if you don’t mind, my partner and I would like to get married.”

So saying, Lichtenloafer and his paramour of six months were wed in a lovely outdoor ceremony. The crowd threw rice and DVD players, now on sale at Wal-Mart for $29.95.

(Free Market Fags meet the last Saturday of every month in the basement of The Church of the Good German.)

T-Shirt Sales Plunge as Che

Revealed To Be Ugly Bald Guy

Martyred guerrilla fighter and an architect of the Cuban revolution, Ernesto “Che” Guevara, whose nobly handsome countenance has appeared for years on innumerable t-shirts, hats, banners, and political buttons, used a stand-in when in the public eye, according to recent research.

The “real” Che, said Humboldt Montez, chair of the Department of Deconstruction at SUNY Binghamton, was bald, no more than 5 feet three inches in height, about 92 pounds, with buck teeth and a crooked nose.

“No question Che was a brilliant, magnificent human being,” stated Montez, “but he knew his politics wouldn’t go far with those looks, so he hired an out-of-work actor to play him. ¡Que sorpresa!”

This academic discovery, presumably unremarkable to the general public, has nevertheless sent the NASDAQ tumbling. Holiday sales of clothing and other items emblazoned with the “Che” visage have markedly declined, putting the entire political T-shirt industry in jeopardy.

Upon being apprised of the famed revolutionary’s actual appearance, Heidi Bitterbuns, journalism major at Columbia University, quickly dropped the Che T-shirt she had been selecting from the discount bin at K-Mart.

“Oh, dear,” said Ms. Bitterbuns, in a typical reaction to the news. “I could never admire the politics of an ugly person. Could you please direct me to the nearest Hello Kitty outlet?”

Ironically, as most T-shirts are manufactured in Third World sweatshops, the demise of Che memorabilia could perhaps be a sign that Che’s politics live on.

Or not.

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