Roses Are Red, Commies Aren’t Blue

Dear George Bush: We represent the law firm of Russet, Russet & Mauve, LLP which has agreed to pursue a class action lawsuit against you and your entire administration on behalf of our clients (hereinafter to be known as “Plaintiffs”), who do hereby charge and allege that you and your entire administration did willfully and with malice aforethought commit massive identity theft in the blatant and felonious appropriation of the color red (hereinafter, “Red”).

You may, perhaps, be familiar with some of our plaintiffs, Mr. President. Many, in fact, have served as foils for you and your administration in the past. Indeed, for over a century, officials in positions of power within all three branches of the U.S. government have sought to promote political causes and/or enhance the economic well-being of corporate and military entities by portraying Plaintiffs derisively, as objects of contempt, or menacingly, as a threat to the national good.

In so doing, Plaintiffs have been variously referred to as, including, inter alia: communists, commie fags, fags, militant homosexuals, Soviet infiltrators, liberals, card-carrying liberals, foaming-at-the-mouth liberals, Stalinist shills, bomb-throwing anarchists, bomb-throwing anti-globalization activists, p.c. thugs, union thugs, unwashed hippies, Black Panthers, peaceniks, eco-terrorists, tree-huggers, queers, feminists, man-hating feminists, lesbians, man-hating lesbian feminists, baby-killers, witches, revolutionaries, self-avowed revolutionaries, Jews, self-hating Jews, Noam Chomsky and those blowhards from the Workers World Party.

Being in and of what is known as the political left in this country, Plaintiffs admit and declare that they, by definition, do not like each other much. Plaintiffs possess fundamentally differing psychosocial personas, and often advocate conflicting solutions for societal ills. However, for purposes of this legal action, Plaintiffs herewith agree to set aside their differences and even temporarily relinquish their political goals (which were going nowhere, anyway, thanks to you) in order to address their common grievance.

WHEREAS, Red, in color and concept, has been commonly used since the Paris Commune in 1871 to describe people, actions, policies, ideas, writings, artwork, governments, revolutions and parties that believe in and seek to promote the liberation and equality of all races, sexes, ages, classes and proclivities for all species, from homo sapiens to Republicans;

WHEREAS, most of the inspiration for ideas and actions viewed as Red can be found in such utopian phrases as “liberty and justice for all,” “nothing to lose but your chains” and “all men are created equal,” which derive from archaic manifestoes penned in more optimistic times by Self-Avowed Revolutionaries (see, supra);

WHEREAS, Plaintiffs claim Red as an absolute moral and legal necessity and intellectual property right for self-identification in order to maintain Plaintiffs’ sense of worth and righteously marginal position in American society—as in “Red Dawn,” “Red Diaper,” “Red Scare,” “Bandera Rosa” and “You Lousy Red” (see also Warren Beatty’s film, “Reds,” which, despite Diane Keaton’s occasional whininess, offers a stirring rendition of “The Internationale”);

WHEREAS, you, Mr. President, and your administration did willfully usurp and defame Red by repeatedly identifying as Red certain “conservative” states within the United States of America, most of whose residents have gone on record as supporting most or all of your conservative policies, including, inter alia: the invasion and occupation of Afghanistan and Iraq; exorbitant tax cuts for the rich; the banning of gay marriage and the opening of pristine wilderness for corporate exploitation—policies which demonstrably do not support “liberty and justice for all”;

WHEREAS, by designating said states and residents as Red, you and your administration have essentially called millions of your major faith-based constituents “tree-hugging commie fags,” an appellation about which they would be outraged, if they were able to figure it out;

WHEREAS, Red is a “hot,” exciting color, and blue (hereinafter, “Blue”)—which you and your administration have, conversely, attributed to the few “progressive” states—boring, “dud” color, denoting sadness, varicose veins, the hated upper class and chronic psychological depression—a condition from which our clients, not accidentally, now suffer;

BE IT RESOLVED: Plaintiffs adamantly reject Blue and demand in perpetuity their legal and constitutional right of association with and to Red (“Pinko” works, too), declaring, in their capacity as opponents of capitalist greed, that the Revolution will not be privatized;

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED: Plaintiffs (hereinafter, “Reds”) charge you, Mr. President, and your administration (hereinafter, “Jerks”) with felonious, libelous, and fraudulent misconduct, actionable under various statutes of the former Republics of Grenada, Chile, Congo, Nicaragua, and other liberty-and-justice-for-all-type governments that Jerks have snuffed out over the years;

BE IT EVEN FURTHER RESOLVED: Reds seek damages from Jerks for Jerk-inflicted pain and anguish—manifested in states of profound political demoralization, memory lapses, dislocation and near-catatonia—to the tune of $250 billion—or the figure that best approximates the current Jerk expenditure for the occupation of Iraq and Afghanistan—to be paid immediately, not to Reds, but to the people of Iraq and Afghanistan, during the even more immediate departure of Jerks from said countries.

IN CONCLUSION: Haven’t you Jerks figured out that calling millions of people in America’s heartland “Red” is just what Karl Marx wanted you do? See you in court, Mr. President.